I have an imbalance. I can’t control these mood swings, I can’t control my depressive thoughts and destructive tendencies. I fight with myself every moment of the day to hold back from losing my shit in front of everyone, though sometimes it’s not enough, as Tina, Coree and Ashleigh have seen.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t know who I’ve become. I stopped taking my classes because I got overwhelmed and couldn’t concentrate. I’ve got four free years of school that I’ve done nothing with for the last four years. I let things slide away from me, and wonder why they’ve gone when I don’t truly try to keep them around. People in my life I consider important to me, I treat them terribly and expect for them to stick around. I don’t want it that way, I just can’t help it. I ignore them, don’t listen, and belittle the things they love and want to do because I’m terrified of being a real true friend. I talk so much shit about being there for people, but in the end, what do I really do?
I left my wife and kids, and feel terrible everyday about doing so. It wasn’t working, but it’s not the kids fault, and they are who suffer the most from it. No matter what though, they get on webcam with me and all of a sudden I’m the greatest dad, and I’m not. And it kills me so much to know that I basically did to them what my father did to me. They still love me so much though, and I can’t fucking handle it because I feel like I failed them mightily for not trying even harder to work things out with Rita.
I want to apologize to a lot of people for shit I’ve done, or didn’t do.
Brian McKee/Ryan Dietrich: We were great friends while stationed together in Stewart, and we drifted apart because I didn’t keep up with you guys. You moved on to do things in your life, and I wasn’t there because I didn’t put effort into maintaining a friendship. I wasn’t there for either of you through your divorces and all of the shit that followed afterwards. I didn’t call or reach out a hand, and I’m sorry for that, so sorry. I really do consider you guys good friends even though I’ve been a true asshole about things. I really am glad that you’ve both come through the otherside better for what you’ve been through, even though I wasn’t there to support you guys.
Katie Sheetz: It’s been well documented how shit of a friend I have been to you. We spoke of this many times, and though I said I’d get better, I haven’t kept my word on that. You deserve nothing less, because you know me well and have ALWAYS been there when I needed you. I regret so much about our friendship, from your accident to now, even. I haven’t spoken to you in awhile because I just know you’ll be there for me and I feel guilty because I can’t even fucking come close to saying I’ve been there for you.
All of my co-workers past and present: You don’t deserve the bipolar asshole who works with you. I can’t help my mood, and even when all you guys want is for me to feel better; I push you guys away with rude remarks that I regret but keep up because I want to maintain the idea that I don’t need the support. I do. It’s killing me inside because I know there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know how to stop it from ruining my relationships with you all. Sometimes I just go through the day trying not to burst into tears over some shit in my head that I can’t control, because I don’t want to be that emotional person. I tell myself in my head that I’m stronger mentally when I don’t even come close to what I exude.
To Kandis especially; I know you look up to me because you think I give no fucks, but I do. I really care about more of the people there and things that I let on, because I don’t want to break the dam in my heart that I’ve built up. Every once in awhile it shows through, and I know that that ten percent of who I really am is what keeps you guys hanging out with me. I really appreciate the majority of you. I really do. I don’t mean half the shit I say about you guys.
Mike Barin/Kenneth Lewis/Johnny Walker: You’re all very important to me, and I’m proud of all of you for doing the shit that you do. I know I stopped calling, texting, just talking to you all in general because it’s hard to feel this way and talk about all of this shit as a man. You’ve all got beautiful families and kids and lives, and I’m just here being “that one guy who used to be a really great friend but disappeared”. I fucking hate it. I love you guys and I hope you know this. We’ve been friends going on what? 15-16 years now? And I can’t even bring myself to call or say what’s up or come hang out with you guys? Blowing off invitations to visit because of bullshit excused? I’m so ashamed.
Anthony/Ernest/Chris/Nick/Alex/Shaneiqua: I’ve been the worst big brother. I haven’t been there for any of you in any capacity. I’ve always been out doing my own shit without checking up to make sure you all were heading in the right direction. As a result I feel responsible for all of the shit you guys had to go through or got into. Ask Rita, I cried when hearing about Ernest and Chris going to jail, because I felt like I didn’t do enough to keep them on the straight and narrow path. I wasn’t the big brother who kept them in line at all. I didn’t try to keep contact with Ant/Nick/Alex when dad moved them to SC. I just fucking let it go and didn’t do shit. I didn’t reach out at all. I know I fucked up in this.
Family in General: I apologize for not visiting. For being in Asheville and not visiting. I told myself for so long that I just wanted out of that fucking place, and by extension you guys as well. I don’t feel that way at all, it’s just hard being there and keeping up, and then realizing that a lot of you are still struggling to make things happen and there’s nothing I can do about it to make things better. I used to lament on what I could do to help you guys to the point of overstressing myself and it was killing me inside. So I shut you off and came home rarely, and it was the wrong choice. I know I might not have many years left with most of you, and I feel like I wasted a ton of time.
Tarah/Annie: You both know me so well, and I spent years getting away from you both. Even now I can’t say I’ve shown the level of interest in your lives that I should. You both just pick back up talking to me like nothing happened, like I didn’t ditch you guys for a relationship or any of the other dumb things I ran away for. I love you both so much, and I love the fact that you’re both leading good lives with kids. Annie you’re my best conscience, you always told me when I fucked up, yelled at me when I was wrong, and let me come over for dinner with the family. I love your mom, and grandma, and I appreciate them as much as I appreciate you. Tarah, you know all of my struggles and trials, and how much love I still hold for you. Even though we’re only great friends now; my first true love still holds deep within my heart.
I’m depressed, I’m struggling with everything. Please be patient with me everyone, I’m still trying my hardest to be the person that I know some of you see in me.